What could have been

I’m not sure how to even start this or why I even want to share this story, but I’m hoping that maybe what we have gone through can help someone else one day. There is such a lack of information or even just acknowledgement when it comes to loss and miscarriage. 1/4 pregnancy’s end in miscarage. That’s a huge percentage! I found it to be so much like labor. Everyone knows about it but not the actual details. To all the beautiful ladies who have been through this. My heart breaks for you. And to all the woman who find themselves about to suffer this loss. My heart is with you and you WILL be okay. You are strong and amazing. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help or comfort from people or even me. If we don’t know each other personally I am still here for you. Everyone’s story is their own and different. But if mine can offer any kind of comfort then it was worth sharing. 

Ray and I found out we were expecting our second little nugget on October 14th! Luke had just gone to bed and I was already a day late. So I took a test quietly by myself. It diddnt even take the full 5 minutes. The bright pink line showed up right away! I was so excited and so nervous. I wanted to surprise Ray but I couldn’t keep it in very long. I put a dinner roll in the oven with the test and told him to check the oven for me. He was so confused until he opened it. We both laughed because it’s not a bun in the over but a roll. 😂 

so for the next 4 weeks we secretly talked about how excited we were. If it’s a girl or a boy! If Lucas will be a jealous brother or love the baby like we already did. Ray and I talked about announcing and names, We were bursting at the seams and told close family and friends our secret surprise. The due date was to be end of June right before lukes second birthday. All of the fun planning for them to have birthday parties together and vacations with two babies so close in age.  

Novemver 14th came for our first dr visit! I was just past 8 weeks, Little nugget was to be the size of a raspberry. We scehdualed the first ultrasound for that Friday, 2days away. I was so excited and nervous. I remember having a horrible dream the night before the ultrasound that I had lost the baby and it was extremely vivid. I mentioned it to my sister who reminded me of my nerves ( and the fact that I’m a worry wart) and that everything was going to be alright. We were 2 min late for the visit because of the traffic so I was just itching to get in there! She hooked up the machine and seemed a bit irritated I diddnt drink enough water to see much from a stomach ultrasound. So we did an internal one. And there was my little squish on the screen. So small and helpless, but when I saw the techs face as she was taking measurements I knew something was off. Having remembered lukes ultrasounds I knew what she was looking for. We hadn’t seen a heart beat or any blood flow to the baby. The tech diddnt say anything to me except that the baby measured 6 weeks and the drs were out delivering and to come back next week for a follow up. That possibly my dates were off and I ovulated late putting the baby behind a bit.  

I went home and did what they say not to. I googled non stop for hours. Ray and everyone around me were so optimistic and agree with the tech that i ovulated late. But it just diddnt seem right to me. All the sudden I started to realize that my morning sickness had stopped the past week. that I was feeling a little better and not getting bigger. So we waited until the next Wednesday before thanksgiving to go back for another dr visit. Ray had to work so my sister came to help watch Lucas. It was just supposed to be a blood draw to check my levels. I was still holding out hope that everything was going to be fine and I was just off on my dates. When the Dr came in she said she was taking me for an ultrasound first because she was concerned about the dates. 

Now at this point I’m numb and cut off from the visit. The way I cope with high stress is just to be logical, It’s all I could do to keep from crying. While the Dr held my hand and explained that the baby still hadn’t shown signs of growth and there was no heart beat I just Laid there. I was imobile emotionally and I just nodded and said I understood. She then explained to me that I had a “missed” miscarriage. That baby stopped growing for one reason or another, most likely a chromosomal issue. But my body hadn’t receive the signal and still thought I was pregnant. We then went over what my “options” were. 1. D&C 2. Take pills 3. Wait for it to naturally happen. I chose to take the pills, I diddnt want to wait 2-3 weeks for it to happen on it’s own and the thought of a D&C scared me ( where they numb your crevix and take everything out). I chose to wait until the following Monday to take them as thanksgiving was the next day and I had a wedding and about 10 sessions from Friday to Sunday. And like I mentioned my coping skill is removing emotion so it was logical for me to wait and not have to cancel plans with clients. I just kept telling myself God had a plan and it’s all going to be okay. Ray and my mom took the day off to watch Lucas and to be there for me which I appreciated so much. 

Here is where If you don’t like graphic details I would stop reading. 8:30 in the morning I took the 4 pills of Cytotec vaginally. It works faster that way and I wanted the process to be over with. If nothing happened within 4 hours I needed to take another dose. About an hour in I started to feel some light cramping. But about 2 hours in when I went to pee there was light bleeding. I watched movies and hung around on the couch. I started feeling really heavy cramping as in close to labor. I was pacing the house and I diddnt want anyone to talk to me because I was trying to focus out the pain. I decided to take the hottest bath I could with some spa music and lavender oil. It helped for a while and let me relax a little. I stayed in bed the rest of the day.

This reminded me of labor and delivery of Lucas where there was just so much blood and my body trying to expel everything. This is what I wasn’t expecting. I always assumed because it’s not talked about often that a miscarriage would be one instance. Like one big clot and it’s passed and then just regular bleeding. I wasn’t expecting the process to take over a week. I never knew when I would get those cramps and have to use the restroom and come back smiling like nothing is happening. 

Its not until the past few days that I’ve let myself cry about it all. That I’ve really been able to talk to God. I know he has a reason for everything and I’m so glad that if I was to miscarry that it was sooner then later. Because the thought of mother’s miscarrying later in gestation just crushes me. It’s just hard to think about all the ways. Ray and I are naturally private people. But I just felt so compelled to talk about what I’ve been through. It’s been therapeutic to be able to write it all out. I don’t want my baby to just be something that I want to forget and never happened. We spent over a month mentally preparing for our life to change and grow, it’s just changed in a different way then we were expecting. That life meant something to our family and I want to celibrate what time we did have!